So I have been overeating, making some poor food choices and binging these last few days. There isn't much in the house to binge on but I ate a bag of chocolate chips in 2 days. So today I am going to drink my sorrows away with lots and lots of hot chocolate. (I am nursing so no alcohol for me for 8+ more months.) The house is mostly stocked with healthy food. I am really sad that my husband is unable or unwilling to give me emotional, verbal, or physical affection. He lies and tell me he is no good at that stuff but when we dated and first got married he would buy me things and hold me, hold my hands, etc. I know I messed up by yelling at him a lot in the past but I have changed so much lately and he still hasn't changed in this aspect. I feel so alone. I have always felt lonely in relationships but I thought it would be different being married. And lately I haven't been able to cry. I never had a problem with this in the past. I'm guessing because I'm always with the kids and have no true privacy or alone time that I am unable to cry. So I don't even care I'm going to drink my hot chocolate and feel sorry for myself! Did I mention my husband drowns his problems, feelings, etc in alcohol? It must be nice to spend money we don't have, waste your life and time on drinking every night. "I'm picking up on your sarcasm." "Good, because I'm laying it on pretty thick." I know that I overeat as a result of my emotional problems and that is bad for my health. But I think his alcoholism has a worse effect on our relationship and our family than does overeating. He is never available for me when he is drunk and I can't depend on him as a father and I have to parent solo during these times. I wonder why did I even get married if I am doing a lot of the work alone and having a relationship with myself? He tells me he is "trying", "working on it" and while it seems he is drinking less I am still finding beer cans and bottles all over the place. Like can you at least clean up after yourself? I don't leave my empty bag of chocolate chips on the floor or the table. I throw it away in the trash can! *sigh I am considering going to the meetings for people who know people who are alcoholics. Like Al Anon I think it is called. And I found a couple really good books about the subject and how I might also be enabling the situation. I'll add it to the list of self-help books I am reading to be a better wife & mom. Meanwhile, my Geneen Roth books about loving myself and learning to not overeat anymore are what I should be reading too!
And you know what else I think it is really shitty that my parents decided to move across the country! I am sick of people saying well your parents have their own life and good for them for doing what they want. Fuck that. They have grandkids who were just born in the last 2 years and they could have stayed if they really wanted to. There has to be something slightly wrong with somebody who would choose a PLACE over their family!

I'm so proud of myself - I did not buy any junk food at the store today! And they set up all the goodies right at the check out too! I'm even surprised and happy that Food Lion carries large and small size pitas. So I made myself a whole wheat pita pizza in the toaster oven. I'm also proud that today was my first day back at work and sometimes work gets me so hungry that I binge once I get home from work. While I did eat a lot - it was all better choices than what I used to eat! Oh! Almost forgot I did have 4 pc chicken mcnuggets but I was thinking double cheeseburger for a minute. So I'm thinking the nuggets were a better choice.

My food for the day:

Breakfast: oatmeal with no sugar, cinnamon and raisins, some coffee w/splenda & coffeemate
mid morning - half whole wheat turkey salad sandwich with lettuce & tomato
lunch - rest of sandwich and large bowl of chili
afternoon - 4 pc nuggets
dinner - 2 whole wheat pita cheese pizzas, unsweetened applesauce with cinnamon, nonfat plain yogurt with fiber one cereal sprinkled, tall glass skim milk

I'm sure some of you are thinking this is way too much a lot of food. I am nursing which requires more caloric intake and I am not about starving myself! Looking at this I probably could have done without the nuggets. And instead of 2 pita pizzas done a salad or soup or veggie substitute. But with the busy day I had I wanted quick & easy food! I am proud of myself for making healthier food choices!

Tomorrow's breakfast: hardboiled eggs, coffee
snack: turkey salad sandwich
lunch: pork & whole wheat couscous?